Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It : Book Review

Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It 

Ethan Kross

 

 

 

I hear a voice, don't you? It sounds like my own, but it also sounds like a family member, a teacher who didn't believe me, a partner who spoke as he walked away. It is the voice of a threatening boss who said something that was untrue, and a celebrity who admitted a shocking failing.

We listen to them all the time even when we don't hear them. (Tweet This)

This is a great book. A book that cannot, no should not, be rushed. It talks about things we've heard, and things we should have been taught.

Because knowing which voices to listen to and which to hear but still put away is probably our biggest lesson of all. (Tweet This)

I had a friend decades ago, who was outgoing and the centre of every party. She could tell the most outrageous of lies without batting an eye and bend the truth with the skill of practise. We weren't friends for long, but I remember her well. I heard her voice, I didn't trust my gut, I didn't listen to the warning of the adult in my life. And it all turned to crap. The details aren't important. I'm sure you've had someone just like that in your life too.

Chatter gives you the tools to identify the importance of all the voices we've heard along our way. The sounds that come from a television and what they are trying to convince you, the placebos that work because we want to believe, the green spaces that filter into our minds and can truly make us better. All important so that we can choose which ones to let in.

It combines stories of everyday people (some of whom you probably know) with scientific research written in an understandable way. It addresses psychological pain as real as the physical kind and how we can recognize both for the value they bring to our growth.

This is a book to have on your shelf whether you are a student of psychology, now or always, and for everyone who wants to understand their day and the people around them better.

Pick it up! It's definitely worth it.

Stay well, stay kind. (this book will help)

I received an advance copy of this book for an honest review, and now you know what I thought. #NetGalley #Chatter

Do We Ever Finish - My 3-part Party

I'll show you today how our layers run deep, overlapping days of our lives, pages of lessons, chapters we have hidden, all starting from blank.

Do we ever finish? Are there not pieces that always need to be added, words that need to be said, worlds to be entertained, colours to be investigated. You too may have messages to be scraped up and dug through. Circles of friendships and stamps of pain, letters and marks that forever change us.

My 3-part Party

I was thinking of this piece (a 3-part-er) while I walked this morning. Remembering how when I first started on longer races, someone had given me a little trick. 

My 3-part Party

He said "concentrate on someone who has touched your life" while you are putting one foot in front of the other, because there will be scary times when you won't be able to picture the finish line. 

 

We need to be distracted by the right things. (Tweet This)

Think about that one person for one kilometre, concentrate only on them. What they brought to you whether a joy or a lesson. Think about what they grabbed from their life, and what they discarded. Think about what they chose to keep that defined them.The time will pass. And then for the next kilometre think of someone else and do the same.

I've found this to be a handy tool to use each day, because often we don't allow ourselves to fall into it when we should.

And that's what I've done here in this 3 part-party. I let my mind float, let my hands move, let my heart feel. Layers of thoughts that finally culminated in something that has meaning for me. Maybe not for you, we both know our lives are separate and distinct. 

Even my husband had to ask which side was up in this party. (Tweet This)

My 3-part Party

So for today, put down your list of things to do. And think of one person at a time, it works for me, it helps me remember why they are are a part of me, especially when I rather cover it up. 

Finished, for the moment.

My 3-part Party

This is a handy tool to use in anything that you know you need to fall into. (Tweet This)

It helps me remember why they are a part of me, especially when I rather cover it up. (Tweet This)

 

Stay well, stay kind.

Making Peace With the Storm

Making Peace With the Storm

The medical expert on today's radio show talked about the aftermath of this prolonged period of isolation.

He reminded the listeners that although we're all in this together and that this event is global, that we each face this storm in different boats.


His comment made me realize how we've each entered this storm from a different place, each with his/her own coping ways and varying amounts of daily anxiety. 

So, is it any wonder that we are reacting differently?

We are all making peace with the storm. (Tweet This) 

We are questioning our daily activities and beliefs.

Some folks may feel well-equipped with the safety precautions they have in place, which include their emotional and financial security.

• They might have money in the bank and a stable income. And though the situation might be turbulent right now, they will land safely on shore. 
• Their ride might be focused on an internal journey. They might discover that they don't 'need' as many luxuries as they were used to.
• I see them sharing to help others, through music, with their words, and in other kinds of I'm here for you support.
• Even if their lives look unaffected, they are still feeling a shift in their understanding of previous plans and future dreams. 

Others we know, might have been teetering on the ledge of a change.

• They might have stayed in a work role they disliked because the pay was regular, they might have been wrung out with the expectations of others and counting down the days for a summer break or retirement.
• They might have been clinging to an unhappy relationship hoping things would work out.
• They might be overwhelmed with the uncertainty of everything.
• They might have no one.

The boat each of us is riding is definitely different. (Tweet This)

We've all realized that our lives 
can be changed in a few short weeks. 

The uncomfortable task of keeping our distance and wearing a mask, are more of a habit now.

We meet with friends in a parking lot for a quick coffee as we sit in our cars. And show our latest project, held out our car windows. We celebrate together.

Today at the store, although we couldn't see each other's smile, someone complemented another at their beautiful hair. 

On the way home, I saw a teenager dancing in a parking lot while her mother held up her phone, catching all the girl's moves. 

Would these things have happened earlier? Maybe.

We humans are adaptable.

Making Peace With the Storm

We might complain about our circumstances but we know that we need to accommodate our expectations if we are to survive. We might need to put aside our long-held ideas and see that this time is about finding out something new about ourselves. 

It takes effort to navigate our new paths, especially when we don't see the end of the journey or which shore we will land on. It also takes courage.

And although this world has shown us difficult times, we need to draw strength from the kindness around us, in the smiles behind the masks, in the patience shown by a stranger to let us pass ahead of them. 

I know it is not the same everywhere but let's choose to remember the good things. And to do something about what  no longer defines us.

So, I ask you today to take care of your own needs and to look for the good in people. If you have something you can give, do it. If you need a hand, be brave, ask for it. If you need to make a big change in your life, this is the time to decide on it.

Make peace with the storm.

Although the storm is the same, we are all in different boats. 

Stay well, stay kind.

The Stripe of the Lion

It is never too late to reform,

as long as you have the sense to desire it,

and the strength to execute your purpose.

Anne Bronte

Courtesy Pixabay - djsudermann

We have all heard of stories of people who have turned their lives around…but deep down do we adhere to the adage “you can’t change a lion’s stripes”. Yes, I did say lion, and we all know that lion's don't have stripes.

There are millions of books which offer a learning opportunity for anyone on the growth path, or someone wanting to improve their finances, their physique, or eliminate their over-cluttering habit. Do we help another change instead of following their accustomed path?
Or does it scare us for many reasons?

We might read the book, listen to the podcast, repeat the words but do we often put what we've heard into action? We'll get to it ...next. And next rarely happens.

So when we see someone start to change, it's uncomfortable. We know them the way they are.

When we listen to someone suffer from a remark they feel was pointed to them, or whine about the way things are, what do we do? Usually nothing. Because that is who they are. That's the way it's always been.

We count on the lion to stay the same. We don't expect them to have a bolt of understanding and become someone new. It takes time. And patience for both of us.

Little steps, forward steps, backward too. Pacing along the perimeter.

We are learning something new also. About ourselves.

Courtesy Pixabay - LoveallArtsof Pictures

We know that the caged lion can be angry, can retreat with angst, and growl in our face.

For this reason, we usually step back. We may offer the words, the extended hand, which say we understand. But then we withdraw. There are bars in cages for a reason.

We like the animal we know. We are still afraid of lions, whether we see them developing the signs of change or not. We don't want them to get better than us.

We don't want to get bitten or left behind. (Tweet This)

Do we support each other as we change our stripes? (Tweet This)


Keep looking. When you find it, make it better. ©

Three Things We Can't Take Back

Courtesy of Dan Bowman Productions

As this year unwinds, let’s take a moment to ponder the three things we can't take back. The words we have spoken and the ones we have received that have stuck to our souls. The choices we made that took flight either toward the target or not. And the opportunities we missed.

In the spirit of another year closing in let’s start with the third.

The lost opportunity.

Hindsight can be a wonderful thing. It allows us to evaluate what we didn’t have the courage to attempt the first time. If we look back on the months of this year, what could we have done differently to set us up for the year? Start a fitness regime? Spend more time reading or volunteering?
Keep in better touch with people we care about?

Looking back over the year, what could we have done differently that would have made a new You today? Do we see the junction when we made the choice? Would we choose differently next time?

What could we have gained in being more brave?

The Spoken Word.

How many words spoken to us over this year are still echoing in our heads. Hurtful words, truthful words with a sting, misinterpreted words, praising words? How many times did we hear them or pass them out, does intention count? How many times did we overlook what we received to keep peace? Or perhaps we didn't wait long enough to bite our tongue to stop our reaction?

What did we learn in these interactions? Who to trust, how to stay calm, patience?

The Spent Arrow.

What do YOU need this to mean? We have chosen each day to be someone. Hopefully, you chose to be YOU! Did we succumb to someone else’s will, power, manipulation? Did we respond professionally, like a grown-up, not taking it personally? Have you read one of my favorite books of all time, Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements?

Did we spend our time wisely? Did we set our life in motion to grow, learn and expand? There is such valuable information on dedication and concentration in Cal Newport's - Deep Work. A book that could change your life in the days ahead.

The arrow has been sent forth, we might hope or plan or strategize on its target but we never know the circuitous route it will take; how it lands is the interesting part. Send as many arrows forth as you feel needed and you WILL make a change!

The year is coming to a close, but WOW what a year. We can teach and share, celebrate and mourn, review and reflect, grow and learn, make plans and relax.

These three things we can't take back. But the choices ahead are open and exciting and ours to make. (Click to Tweet)

I Don’t Know

What a grand situation, to know that it’s okay to not know. 

As any parent of a 3 year old knows, it is such a burden to be the smartest person in the room! Or to be the one that all heads turn to in the boardroom, when an important decision needs to be made. 

The world provides us these days with so many answers about so many things (many of which we don’t or shouldn’t care about). How do people fit all this information into their heads. Why is the mush mingled with the important? 

How refreshing and shocking would it be if you asked a question at your next staff meeting, and your supervisor said “I don’t know”. Or your grocery clerk said “I don’t know when the next truck arrives with the yoghourt that’s on sale". 

Just say it, I say, “I don’t know”. It would free us all up from pretending and just get on with it.

Many of us now have the freedom from being the parent who needs to have the answers. Our children are long gone to homes of their own and don’t need to call us for a recipe on a regular basis. They also have high-speed access to any ridiculous question that crops up in their head after two beer. It makes me a little nostalgic sometimes, that I no longer have the answers for them. 

Do you know anyone who is studying to be a librarian these days? My guess is probably not! When I was younger, it seemed like a job for a really smart person, imagine being someone who could get back to you quickly with your most burning question.

I have embraced the words “I don’t know”, and I try to use them every day. People are usually surprised when I speak them but it allows me to be honest and real and for them to talk some more about something else they can explain to me.

“I don’t know” is like a huge door that opens to all that I could know. It gives me permission to find out what is important to me. It’s going to let me fill in some personal gaps. It will feel like tasty icing that holds my thoughts together.

I don’t know what’s next, do you?

Why is the mush mingled with the important? (Click to Tweet)

What's wrong with saying "I don't know"?  (Click to Tweet)

If I Were Looking for a Friend, I'd look for Someone like You

I was walking by a school playground the other day and saw two young girls re-unite. “I’ve missed you”, yelled one as they ran towards each other with open arms. Do you remember those days? When your best friend’s family holiday destroyed your precious life, because you missed each other SO much. And when you met again, it was as though you had received the best gift of all.

courtesy Pixabay

  At some point along the way, we might have stopped looking for that friend   who filled every crevice of our soul with warmth. Perhaps as we grew older,   our capacity for that open-hearted embrace diminishes. We’ve been   tarnished sometimes over the years with disappointments and hurt and are a   little more cautious with new people entering our life.

  But…

  If I were Looking for a Friend...

I remember people older than me saying how it gets more difficult to make a friend as you get older. I used to think that was nonsense, until recently. Perhaps that means that I am at that age.

Maybe I am getting too stuck in my ways, in my opinions, in what I like and what I just can’t tolerate anymore. Maybe I was nicer when I was younger. Maybe I was filling my life with people, to learn what I could grow from, who had something to teach me, maybe that is why I needed to be around certain people.

I wrote about Give and Take recently. Putting those words down brought up memories of what I should have done in the past. How I should have been treated, how I should have questioned, how I should have known. I want a friend who gets that. I want a friend who has climbed some tough terrain to get to a vantage point that has a view. Someone who is still striving to get higher in their own understanding of the world.

I do not want a friend who is coasting and is merely a spectator to their own life, nor someone who has no rudder and is tossed about like empty change. I need someone who is strong and is not afraid to show it. Someone who knows that each passing day was spent wisely, always a combination of expanding and reflecting.

If this person drinks wine, likes reading, walking and shopping (within reason) bonus points!

I want someone to grow old with. Someone who will say, remember when we met at 60 and look how much we’ve done since then. That’s the friend for me. Someone who still paints their toenails red. Someone who wears pearl necklaces with jeans and feels fabulous. Someone who will enrich my life and who is content with their partner. Someone who is proud of how their grown children turned out but doesn’t have to talk to them every day.

Someone who can be tastefully disrespectful and can enjoy being silly.

And what can I offer you, you ask? I will never betray your confidence. I will cheer you up and kick your butt depending on what you need. I will bake you brownies. And bring the wine. I will always tell you the truth, and expect the same.

I have been blessed with many amazing women (and men) friends over my life-time. People who have grown alongside me, who have set the most courageous examples, who have shown stamina and resilience and continue to wrap their arms around me with love. If you are reading this, even if I met you over a coffee yesterday or talked to you via Skype last week or haven't seen you in a while, “I’ve missed you.”

We have lived well and badly, and have not lost the lesson. (Click to Tweet)

I want a friend who has climbed some tough terrain to get to a vantage point that has a view. (Click to Tweet)

Give and Take – how to do it – a Rant(?)

What I’ve learned is that sometimes people give only because it gives them something, said my friend. It is a self-serving pat-on-the-back, not because they want the recipient to be truly honoured. But because they feel needed, she continued.

My friend is a giver, she is generous and quiet about doing it. She does not speak of how she gives of her time and encouragement unless you know her well and you ask her. But the day we spoke, she was disappointed and a tad angry.

She had just experienced a social media explosion of congratulations for someone she knows. This someone is in her acquaintance circle, not a close friend, but someone close enough. It is also someone whom she does not hold in a great deal of respect.

courtesy of Pixabay

Which leads me to the next question. Why do we give with such grandiose gestures and then plaster our wonderfulness all over Facebook? Why do some of us congratulate ourselves on social media so frequently that it loses its POW?

I am not talking about the true celebrations of growth. I’m referring to the ‘look at me, aren’t I wonderful” which appear on a regular, consistent basis. But the Oh and please, stop what you’re doing right this minute. Because I want some more adoration, now.

What reaction are we looking for? And also, why are there so many “you are so magnificent” responses in return over the most simple of things?

What happened to each of us finding our way by our hard earned mistakes? Why do we not post these lessons on social media? Why do we not know that all things will change and very often even get better? Not everything is a disaster! How do we learn if we don’t do it on our own from the inside?

Why can’t we be more humble? And this is the place where my dear friend was suffering that day. She is someone who deserves the praise but doesn’t see the need to request it. She is an anomaly.

Perhaps you think that my friend and I are just grumpy about this topic of extensive APPLAUSE. Remember, we are all just human. What we both do know is that we cannot make someone else happy. That is their job to do through the unique path they’ve chosen.

If you need someone to tell you how great you are, every week, I suggest that you do some soul-searching to find out why.

(Okay, now I am a little less grumpy.)

How do we learn if we don’t do it on our own from the inside? (Click to Tweet)

How much applause do you give and receive on social media? (Click to Tweet)