Which Way Are You Going?

Which Way Are You Going?

You're sitting at the staff meeting, and someone mentions a wonderful website they've discovered. Except you're the one that told him about it.

You're enjoying time with friends and someone announces the closing of a favourite retail shop. Except you're the one that told her about it.

You've been there, right?

It happens to all of us. In this day of constant "news", it's hard to tell what you heard/read and where it was. A conversation? An eavesdrop in line waiting for your latté? On Facebook? Twitter? Where the heck was it?

You can imagine how I felt recently when I saw a photograph that I had taken on someone else's Twitter feed. A flash of emotions. Confused, annoyed, violated, yes!

I sat down at my laptop and started to look for the photo, through thousands. Yes, we were walking. Yes, I back-tracked to set up the shot. Yes, I ...think it was mine. But without the proof, what could I really do? Was it this year, or last? Was it in town or on a travel?

But then I had to stop.

Time that I could have better spent, I spent in futility. Gone. Wasted.

I remembered taking a mindful journey with my pal Leo Babauta (no, he doesn't know we're pals). A 44 Training Program - Turning Uncertainty & Discomfort into Mindful Openness. On Zen Habits, you will see an Uncopyright page. When I read it for the first time, I was surprised. "Attribution is appreciated but not required." Wow, fearless and generous.

Although I completed the 44 Day Training some time ago, the value of the practice stayed in my life. Each day we try to do our best, reflect, share, provide a model for others and grow. And then one day you are given a test.

Have you learned anything? Which Way Are You Going? (Click to Tweet)

Have I ever not intentionally done the same thing? Have I used someone else's words as my own? Have I forgotten to give attribution? Have I mistakenly used someone else's ideas?

I am not famous, or outstanding. I do not have thousands of readers each week or do podcasts. I am just me, learning and being tested in the most interesting ways.

Breathe. And Share. Thank you Leo, for teaching me this.

I am just me, learning and being tested in the most interesting ways. (Click to Tweet)

Again and Again, 3 Ways for Compassion and Wisdom

Again and Again, 3 Ways for Compassion and Wisdom

In a conversation with a woman 20 years my junior, I learned something again.

I remembered being her age and feeling that I was quite wise, just as she shared with me. She explained how she grew up in a family where she felt she had been misunderstood. Where her brothers were the focus and as the youngest and... a girl, not much was expected of her.

As her story was told, her brothers grew to adulthood being spoiled by doting parents while she buried herself in her books. She eventually outgrew her brothers and became a physician. And yet, she had no voice. The confident, smart person who could teach others could not find her voice in the company of her family.

She told me that she had been working on her personal growth for awhile now and felt that now that she was forty she was "pretty well okay".

Ah, I thought to myself. How do I tell her? Would I have listened in my younger years to anyone who told me that personal growth goes on forever. That each day, turns into a string of weeks and given the gift of time, we have the chance to keep learning about human behaviour.

The People who Matter

I want something from a friendship. I want a connection that comes from sharing. There will always be someone around to carry on idle banter but those special conversations are don't happen everyday. You get to throw away pretenses and indulge in honesty with the people you trust.

What I want is the meaty, juicy conversations. The conversations that leave you at the end with the “aahh! I am so lucky to have this person in my life” or the "ooh, I didn't know that about you!". When you walk away, you often take some huge self discovery or some itty-bitty piece of learning. That’s where VALUE comes from. So when you encounter this, when you “don’t want the evening to end”, TELL these people how much they bring to your life. It will enrich both of your lives to hear these words we seldom speak.

TELL them how you have thought about the words they have shared in the past, and reflected about the lessons that they have learned. TELL them that you are proud to have them in your circle.

There will  always be someone at the water-cooler to sprinkle about niceties of the weekend or to commiserate about the weather. Those people are needed too but the best people are those who hold you up to be the Best You. They make you think and are far more rare and need to be recognized. 

They are the ones who ask and share the hard questions.

Waiting for Better

This is for you. 

Letting time pass to set a history is a good thing. Invariably the good people will stay good, and those that are not will also be revealed. But waiting and waiting can be just an avoidance that creates deeper pain. We say we want to be happy but remain in situations that we know prevent us from being so? It is honorable to give someone the benefit of the doubt, no one wants to be judged by one single act. However, we are sometimes so stuck, so paralyzed by our fear of the unknown that we cannot move out of a situation that does not honour ourselves.

We put up, and we shut up. 

Life has a way of teaching us the lessons we need. We will each get them to teach us in the way that matters most, the inconsiderate "friend", a (lack of a better term) crazy partner, an idiot boss. What will we let that person get away with? Why do we let them do what they do? The nonsense this person hands out will keep escalating until even you can't ignore the volume. The cosmic 2 by 4 will finally stop you in your tracks.

Then one day, you will know with no doubt in your mind that you are “done”. It could be caused by something catastrophic or something small, but it will happen when you are ready and have the courage to move on.

Have faith, you will survive. You will no longer be able to deny the proof.

And on that day, you will love yourself a little more and not let it happen again. Don't lose yourself in the battle and until then be safe, be well.

Fear of the Dark

Do you remember the first time you were afraid? Of screwing up your face, pinching your nose and jumping feet first into the cold water? Of stepping foot to foot impatiently as each person was called and fearing that you would be the last one chosen for the team?

In how many ways are we fearful? And we are fearful of something, if we are honest, regardless of our size or stature or number of degrees after our name.

We are fearful of being late for curfew or not getting accepted at the college of our choice.

We are fearful of not living up to expectations, or not living down our past.

We are fearful of never getting out of a relationship, or not finding the right one.

Regardless of our adult size, we are all "little" inside...sometimes. We might be facing our first headstand, our first half-marathon, or a really important job interview.

And yes, let's admit it "We are afraid!". But let's also use that fear towards our first courageous step in a new direction.

Before I take my first dip into the deep end (after an absence of several years), I will do something to be better prepared, to change my perspective.

Today, I will go buy a new pair of swim goggles.

Buttons and Bows

The return to work, feeling groggy and fuzzy-brained after the holidays, should not be a surprise. We've experienced early mornings (got to get to the ski hill/shopping mall sales) and late nights being social. It's no wonder that it's taken me until today (Wednesday) to start to feel more like myself. Tonight's goal - put away the remainder of the Christmas "stuff". Won't my space seem huge after the clean up is done.

If you've been as fortunate as me, after you've put away the fancy boxes and packaged the bows (for use next year), you're left facing some brand new toys. Each one with instructions in various languages, English will do, thank you. Which one do I tackle first?

Am I the only one who needs one more week of time off to read through, practise, and play to feel more comfortable with these gifts? Why are there now so many buttons, screens and dials in my life?

I am excited but cautious about the learning I will be doing.

I remember a 2-wheeler with a big red bow and a wobbly start. I have to have faith that my camera and e-book reader will ultimately become a part of me just like my bike did after a few crashes and skinned knees.

There was no such thing as helmets back then, but today at least my toys come with user manuals.

Year End 2011

It is with some difficulty that some of us turn this last page of the calendar. How could it have gone so fast,although some days seemed endless, while we waited for tomorrow to come.

How many things did we get to "check off" our lists and how many did we add? Yes, thank goodness that carry-overs are allowed!

How many special, dear people left our lives and how many wonderful, spectacular people added to our joy? Don't let us ever forget that every goodbye was once a hello.

How many headstands did we accomplish, mountains did we scale, books did we read, words did we pen? Most of us will not have won a Giller Prize, set a world record (in anything!) or made a medical discovery. But still all our "little things", each step we took to our half-marathon, each photograph we took, each thing we said "no" to, have made us the person we are today on December 31st 2011.

 Praise and celebrate each tear we've shed, each smile that lit our face, each lesson learned these last 365 days. We are today, because of them.

Cheers for a wonderful New Year's evening. Be well, be safe.

Lead

Twice in the last week in 2 very different sources, I have read about crustaceans (lobster/crab – take your pick!) escaping from the boiling pot.

From a business standpoint, the reference was to leadership. It mentioned how there is always someone brave enough to “rock the pot”, to escape the status quo and bring his brothers along with him. The article spoke of the remaining crustaceans, giving him a boost (with their own specific skills) which allowed the leader to lead them, and hence make changes that cause a shift in their working environment.

The second reference came from a female entertainer. Here again she spoke of the crustacean in the boiling pot. I was prepared to hear a similar story but her response came as a surprise. She spoke of how the women in her past had not offered the helping hand, how for the most part if someone escaped the heat, that they sat on the lid to prevent you from freeing yourself as well. How sad.

One pot, two experiences and here’s the question. Human being or crustacean, are you the one lending a helping hand, assisting your peers to be the best they can be or are you the one sitting on the lid?

Having just finished Anita Diamant’s The Red Tent, I could recap for you the story of Dinah’s voice in the Book of Genesis. However, the fellowship of women, the words used to describe their joy and their suffering, their absolute commonality to every woman who has walked this earth should be discovered on your own sofa with the beverage of your choice. Sisterhood must continue because stories are essential to make sense of life.

“Even those without family live in such close quarters to their neighbours that the cries of a labouring mother bring out other women like geese responding to the call of a leader in flight.”

Yesterday or today, assist your leader until you are one.

Choices - how to spend the rest of your life?

It does not matter that we are no longer 21, most of us did not even know each other at that stage of our lives. But the shared stories give life to our past and I can understand (albeit just a little) of what choices you made that brought you to this person that you are today. It is only in the sharing that I can get a glimpse of the joy and pain that molded you, and the “why” of our meeting at this point in time. We give and we take and if we are wise, we incorporate what we have taken, to pass on to someone else who will need it someday. Like a wave, we come to land and then step back to reflect.

Many, many (many) years ago I was asked to be Class Valedictorian. My teacher, John A. (Class of ’71) said that I was one of the only students who could describe succinctly, yet poetically what needed to be said. What he did not assess was my ability to stand in front of a crowd and speak. I refused, it is a decision that pops up in my thinking every now and then. What would have happened if I had agreed? As time went on, I realized that that one day was just that, one day, a few hours, a few words. I would have survived, regardless of my shaking knees.

Today, I have a friend who is breaking new ground from her old stories. She has abandoned the parts of herself that no longer serve her well, to become someone more courageous. She is a rolling stone. She is a gypsy. And however long or short this period might be, she has taken the challenge of standing at the podium and is giving the best speech of her life.

Congratulations my friend. I have learned a lot from you.

What choices do you need to make to celebrate the rest of your life?